I’d like a word with you about those websites with talking advertisements. Especially the ones that come on after 30 seconds or so, just when you’re getting into what you’re trying to read. First, they scare the hell out of me and I can’t close the website window fast enough. Then I’m annoyed because what I was reading is gone. I’m not clicking your link, not buying your product, and probably won’t even re-load the page because now I’m just pissed off, so your client and all their other advertisers have lost my eyeballs.

That also goes for websites that automatically start off playing music. Any kind of music. I’m already listening to music of my own. I don’t want to hear your music. I will buy whatever it is I was looking for from a quiet website.

Ok, I’ll tell you what… if you want to take your shiny Porsche (and by the way, that’s “Porsh,” not “Por-sha,” not “Portch“) out into Bumble-fuck Nowhere, 3 hours away from Next to Nothing, I suggest you at least bring your Chilton’s along with you and learn how to use a wrench.

‘Cause no, you don’t qualify for the helicopter air-lift rescue squad.

And bring something to eat, too, or you might just have to eat your poodle-dogs.